Yeh're A Chris'ian, Harry!
by Lady K.I.L. Zenith
Summary: A response to proudhousewife's portrayal of Hagrid and the Dursleys. Hogwarts is not a school for Witchcraft and Wizardry but a school for Theology in this Universe. One Shot.


DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter nor am I old enough to have written the Bible.

The Dursleys who lives in number four Privet Drivet are very normal, thank you very much. Vernon Dursley lives in that house with his wife, Petunia, and his son, Dudley. Vernon, a heavyset man with dark hair with a matching mustach and beady eyes, works at Grunnings while Petunia, a blonde woman who manages to look like a horse, is a housewife who dotes lovingly on her Dudley. They had another member of their family living with them. Although anyone would hardly know another boy lives there by looking in the Dursleys' house. All of the Dursleys' pictures only had either Dudley or Mr. and Mrs. Dursley with their son. There are two messy rooms that could have belong to two young boys if you didn't know better. Both rooms belong to one Dudley Dursley.

The other boy who lives with the Dursleys is a bespectacled green eyed, messy black hair boy by the name of Harry Potter. Harry was orphaned around the age of one. The Dursleys always told him that his parents died in a car crash. The car crash that gave him his lightning bolt scar. Harry is related to the Dursleys by his mum, Lily, being the sister of Petunia. About ten years ago, the Dursleys begrudgingly took Harry into their home as long as they did not have to tell him anything about his parents. Harry lived in the spider infested cupboard under the stairs which he didn't mind the spiders because they kept him company.

Today seemed like a normal morning at the Dursleys. Harry was still in trouble for somehow setting a boa constrictor loose on his cousin and his cousin's best friend at the zoo on Dudley's birthday. Dudley, a boy who looks like a pig in a blond wig, has been brandishing his Smelting stick and hitting Harry with every chance he gets. Harry was told to go get the post for the Dursleys. Harry was savoring the moment alone from the Dursleys. The only mail was a post card from Aunt Marge, not related to Harry but he was obligated to call her his aunt, and some bill. Harry did not know why he bothered to look to ever see if any mail has come his way. No one writes to him. He didn't even own a library card so he didn't get overdue notices from the library.

Harry walked over to the kitchen table, handed Uncle Vernon the mail, and resumed eating his breakfast. Harry thought there was a time that he hoped that something in the mail came for him to tell him that there was some other relative willing to take him away from the Dursleys. There was a brief moment where he would hope his parents would magically show up despite knowing that they were dead. The Dursleys never showed him their graves but he did not think the Dursleys would lie to him about their deaths. The Dursleys probably wished his parents was still alive more than he does so he did not have to live with them. Harry glumly nibbled on his toast while thinking about all the odd things he made happened while he was stressed.

Uncle Vernon was on his way to the door when there came a knock. It was not a shy knock nor an aggressive one, but it was a confident knock if Harry ever heard one.

"Who'll be visiting us at this time of the day? Anyone who is decent should be readying himself for work, not visiting people who are trying to prepare for work."Uncle Vernon muttered as he walked to the door and straightening his tie.

Harry and Dudley started to hear some commotion going on at the front door and Aunt Petunia was already peering through the doorway. It sounded to Harry that someone was trying to get in but Uncle Vernon was barring their entry. Both boys joined Aunt Petunia to see what was happening.

"We don't want the likes of you to come into this house!" Uncle Vernon bristled but he was losing the battle because the man made his way inside.

When he noticed how tall the stranger is, Harry's eyes widen. The man had to hunch over to fit inside the Dursleys' house. To Harry, the man looked like he was supposed to be an Hells Angel but instead this man was wearing a very large suit with a rather small tie. The man had a tidy beard and a short haircut that seemed to have a lot of hairspray in it. The man looked around and spotted Harry who was still behind the doorway, caustiously peering at the stranger.

"Here's Harry!" said the giant, his beetle eyes were crinkled in a smile. "Las' I saw yeh, yeh were only a baby. Yeh look a lot like yer dad, but yeh got yer mum's eyes."

"I demand that you leave at once, sir! This is a reputable neighborhood that does not need to be tarnished by having your kind here." Uncle Vernon bravely announced.

"Ah, hush now, Dursley. I'm not harmin' anyone." The giant strode forward. " A very happy birthday to yeh, Harry! I got summat fer yeh here. I mighta squashed it at some point but it'll taste all right." The giant handed Harry a squashed box and with shaking finger Harry lift the lid to see a large, sticky cake with _Happy Birthday Harry_ written on it in green icing.

Harry looked up at the giant, puzzled. "Thank you, but today's not my birthday. Who are you?"

The giant chuckled. "Well, seein' I won' be here for yer birthday, I thought I should give yeh summat today. I'm Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of the Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts." Hagrid shook Harry's whole arm at this statement.

"Wha' abou' tea, eh? I won' say no to summat stronger if yeh've got it, mind." The giant proceeded to fish out of the pockets of his suit: a copper kettle, a teapot, a smashed packet of sausages, and a couple of mugs. He set to work on the Dursley's fireplace to the stunned quiet of Harry and the Dursleys'.

"Don't touch anything he gives you, Dudley." Uncle Vernon commanded.

The giant chuckled and said, "Tha' boy doesn' need any thin' to eat. If you ask me, he needs to lose weigh'. " The giant passed the sausages to Harry who took some without taking his eyes off of the giant.

"I'm sorry, but I still do not know who you are." Harry said because no one else was to explain anything for him.

"Call me Hagrid. Everyone else does. Like I told yeh, I'm the Keeper of the Keys at Hogwarts. Yeh'll know all about Hogwarts, o' course. "

"No" said Harry. "Sorry."

" _Sorry?_ " barked Hagrid. "It's them that should be sorry! Did yeh never wonder where yer parents learned it all?"

"All what?" asked Harry.

"ALL WHAT?" Hagrid roared. "Are yeh tellin' me tha' boy knows nothin' about -about ANYTHING?"

Harry thought that was going a bit far, "I know some things like maths and stuff."

Hagrid waved his hand, "Our world, yer world and yer parents' world."

"What world?"

"DURSLEY!" Hagrid thundered.

Uncle Vernon who was purple out of anger turned pale rapidly. Hagrid looked crazily at Harry. "But yeh mus' a known abou' yer mum and dad. Yer parents are famous as well as you are!"

Harry's eyes widened, "My parents' are famous? For what? I-I'm not famous. I'm just Harry."

" Yeh don' know...yeh don' know... yeh don' know. Yeh don' know what yeh are?"

Uncle Vernon found his voice, "Stop! Stop right there! Sir, I forbid you to tell the boy anthing!"

"Yeh never told 'im? Yeh never told 'im wha' was in tha' letter Dumbledore left 'im? Yeh've been keepin' it from 'im all these years!"

"I FORBID YOU! STOP, RIGHT THERE!" yelled Uncle Vernon as Aunt Petunia gasped.

"Kept what from me?" asked Harry.

"Hagrid gave the Dursleys one last glare and said, "Yeh're a Chris'ian, Harry!"

There was silence in the house until Harry burst out laughing. "I'm a what?"

"Chris'ian, Harry. A Chris'ian."

"A Christian. You mean as in one of those people who goes to church and worships God?

"Aye, here's yer letter." Hagrid handed Harry a yellowish envelope with green ink written on it saying _Mr. H. Potter, The Cupboard Under the Stairs, 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey_. "Can someone tell me why it says 'The Cupboard Under the Stairs'?"

"That's my bedroom." Harry absently said as he read that he has been accepted at Hogwarts School of Theology.

There was no explosion at this news. A lot of questions were going off in Harry's head.

"He's not going." Uncle Vernon said with an ashen face.

"I like ter see yeh try an' stop 'im."

"HA!" shrieked Aunt Petunia. "My dratted sister was told that she was a child of God, also, for being able to do freakish stuff. She was whisked away to that school. My parents did not see her for what she was though! They kept saying Lily this and Lily that. But didn't they realized that if Lily was a child of God then that makes us heathens, then, doesn't it?" She took a deep breath then proceeded in her rant. "Then she met that Potter from that -that school and they married and had you. Oh, I knew you were going to be just like her. How can you not be with both genes increasing the likelihood of being a child of God? I knew misery would only be what came from my sister. Then she had to go get herself murdered."

"Murdered? You said that my parents died in a car crash!" said a very pale Harry.

"CAR CRASH! A likely story. The Potters were murdered by poachers. Poachers didn' like missionaries befuddlin' villagers by giving' them a set of morals, values tha' will make them less likely to buy anythin' from the poachers."

"How did I get my scar? I was told it came from the car crash."

"The poachers had done some primi'ive magic. Things we frown upon in the Chris'ian world. Instead of killin' yeh with weapons, they tried to use yeh in a ritual but somehow backfired. I found yeh and took yeh to this lot on Dumbledore's orders."

"Yes, my sister showed me a picture of Dumbledore. He is as gay as you can get. Not following the Bible is he, for being the head of the ministry?" Aunt Petunia glowered at Hagrid.

"One without sin may cas' the firs' stone." Hagrid said gazing at the Dursleys. "Petunia Dursley, covetin' for wha' yer sister and neighbors have? Not honorin' yer parents? Bearing false wi'ness agains' yer neighbors in the name o' gossip? Wha' abou' yeh, Vernon Dursley? Commitin' adul'ery? Indulgin' one o' another by helpin' her covet 'n lyin' abou' Harry to neighbors and friends. Both o' yeh makin' yeh boy into an idol. Let's look at the seven deadly sins, eh? I can easily spot all of 'em. Gluttony is oh so presen' as well as envy and greed. I see tha' yeh are prideful and can be wrathful as well. Lust, you got tha' as well. Congrats, wit' an exception ter yer son, yeh are not sloths." The Dursleys house was immaculate with all of the hard work Aunt Petunia put in cleaning it.

"But YOUR Bible says a man must not lie with another man, so isn't Dumbledore going against the Bible? Also didn't it say that homosexual offenders will not inherit the kingdom of God? " asked Aunt Petunia. Harry was surprised due to her asking these questions instead of rounding on Uncle Vernon because Hagrid accused him of commiting adultery. Harry thought adultery meant cheating on your spouse because of hearing about The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne.

"I do not know nor care ter know Albus Dumbledore's sexual orienta'ion. Yet, didn' God send his Son, Jesus, ter die on the cross for all o' our sins? I don' know wha' Bible yeh have been reading, but, in mine, Jesus never said anythin' abou' the gays nor did the Ten Commandents. If it was mentioned it was tied in wit' homosexual acts tha' violate other importan' Bible bans such as idolizing, rape, prostitution, or bein' a pedophile. Wha' the Bible teaches yeh is to not condemn others because of their sins or wha' sins yeh think there are. On'y God can judge."

"Hold on. I thought Christianity was optional, I mean there are athiests, agnostics, Muslims and Christian but none of them were born that way, were they? They chose to be Christian, Muslim or whatever. How can you say I am a Christian? Also, I can't be a child of God when there are many others who has been to church ever since they were little and I, I was never allowed to go to church. Aren't there different sects?" Harry questioned Hagrid.

Hagrid smiled and said, " I was presen' at yer baptisim. Yeh're correct in sayin' that people could choose ter follow any religion they see fit. The Bible is s'ppose ter be applicable ter every generation. There are those who are decendants o' God by their actions. What I mean is, sometimes yeh can do somethin' agains' the laws o' nature. Can yeh think o' anythin' yeh have done that seems ter go agains' nature?"

"I've talked to a boa constriction at a zoo." Harry said skirting around the fact that he somehow set that snake on the loose.

Hagrid laughed at this idea, "Ah, the talking serpent in the Garden of Eden where he tempted Adam and Eve into eating the apple off of the tree of knowledge. The funny thing is that the children o' God can do unnatural things that was confused wit' witchcraft even though witchcraft was mention quite a few times in the Bible. That was summat that was clearly stated ter be against, not gays. Jesus, the Son, would have been confused fer a witch 'cos he somehow cured the sick by touch, made the blind see, the deaf able to hear, make cripples able to walk, and so on."

"I'M NOT PAYING FOR HIM TO HAVE HIS HEAD FILLED WITH FAIRY TALES!" shouted Uncle Vernon.

Hagrid stood up, "Ah, there is that wrath, again. I don' care how yeh interpret the Bible but I do care about how yeh treat one another. Now, I do not wish ter threaten you so I'll promise you, I am goin' ter aler' the authorities on yer treatmen' o' one Harry James Potter. Yer treatment of 'im probably will cause yer parenting skills ter come in ter question. Yeh may very well lose custody o' yer own son. It could have been all prevented if yeh treated yer sister's child fairly. I'm taking Harry wit' me ter Hogwarts School of Theology. It is up ter 'im ter decide whether he would like ter attend and ter be a child of God. Harry, do yeh wish ter come wit' me ter this school? I understand if yeh don' want ter leave yer relatives an' all."

"Yes, I want to study at this school." Harry hurriedly scrambled across the room to the giant's side to ensure that his relatives can't harm him for that answer.

Hagrid smiled. "Good." Both set off and left number four Prive Drive, Little Whining, Surrey. Harry actually wished the Dursleys well despite their treatment of him because at the very least they gave him shelter, clothing, food, and education. The education he could use to further himself at the ministry. Harry did everything that he hopes that would make his Father and parents proud through his education at Hogwarts. He did a stint at missionary work then decided to help the less fortunate around Surrey.


End file.
